you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
