You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
