he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
