i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
