I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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