I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
