he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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