How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He uses pillows to masturbate.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
