It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
