haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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