I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He did a backflip because drugs
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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