the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
