i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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