I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
