I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
