and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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