I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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