My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
This toilet bowl is my home.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
