I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
