I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
