i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
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I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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