I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
