I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
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She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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