i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
