but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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