i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
