Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
