literally had 100 drinks last night.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
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IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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