Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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