It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
it glows. i had to have it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
