Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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