It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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