She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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