your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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