What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
