his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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