So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
