he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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