for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
NoShamevember. You game?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
