Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
