ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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