Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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