Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
