I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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