guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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