4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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