So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
