My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
