Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
