Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
