he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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