proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
