I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
