if i can run in heels then i can drive
I didn't shave. On purpose
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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