I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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