you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
