Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
