A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
