He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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