she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
