the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
