Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
