Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
